marbles

"you make beautiful things out of the dust."

all i have to offer God is dust.  im not much different from when i was a kid showing my mom the "marbles" i made from the red clay mud that we had in surplus around our house.

but i am doing it. i am giving God my dusty childlike creations.
i am trusting that He can do immeasurably more than i ever could.
i feel like i have nothing to offer, but i know that He has always given me more than enough.

trust is hard, but i am learning.

thank You, God, for Your grace and patience.

Contentment, Restoration, Protection, Provision, and Paradise: An Elaboration of Psalm 23

I have been in such a rut lately; I spread myself too thin. I am burnt out on school, and I procrastinate too much.  These issues combined with my impatience, short temper, worrisome and easily stressed temperament lead me to a place of feeling distant with God and very discontent with my life.  I have been so crabby and sensitive and weak lately.  I have experienced self-hate because I know in my mind that I should be able to just focus on God and not stress. However, it's difficult in practice.

None of these negative feelings have come from God.  He is the giver of good things, and I am rejoicing because He gave me such a good gift at work this morning.  Tuesday's shift is 5:45am-8am, but I have to wake up at 5 am.  It's the pits.  However, in the MTSU rec center, God was present.
He sat with me in my sleepy stupor and opened His word to me.  He gave me creative thoughts. 
It all started with psalm 23; this is perhaps the most well known psalm.  I intended to read many psalms this morning, but God kept me on this one.  Holy Spirit began to breath life into the pages of my Bible.  I cannot tell you how many times I have read this psalm, but The Word is so alive.  It is ceaselessly amazing to me.  I saw new things in this psalm this morning.  Because psalms are prayers, Holy Spirit took me into an hour long prayer with Him where I got to write.  I felt and feel so alive now.  When I woke up I was down and crabby, but despite this unseasonably cold weather, I am so joyful this morning.

I call this type of prayer Psalm expansion; there is probably some technical term for it, but I don't know what that is.  I just wanted to share what Holy Spirit showed me this morning.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

 

God, You are my Shepherd; I do not even know where to go without You as my guide. 

No where I could go would escape your presence.
Your very presence is more than enough for me.  In You, and You alone my God, do I find contentment. 

You are my portion, and Your being fills my cracks; You make me whole.
You lead me to sun-kissed pastures.  I lay in the green grass filled with joy.  You take my hand as a father takes the hand of his child, and You bring me to a babbling brook.  You delight to see me splash around in the heat of the day.  We laugh together as I play like a child.  I explore Your creation, and my heart is restored.
I was broken-hearted.  I was thirsty.  I was hungry.  I was lethargic.  I was down. 

But You, You my God and my Father, have filled Your child with good things.
I am revived.  I am complete.  I am refreshed.  I am content. I am energized. 

I am happy, and my whole being is joyful.

 

Even when clouds cover the sun,
Even when winter grips my bones and cracks my lungs,

Even when I am stripped of all wealth,

Even when stress chokes all my reason,

Even when I am blinded by anger,

Nothing in all of creation can separate me from Your presence.
Even when I am my own worst enemy,

Even when I take myself to the valley of the shadow of death,
You will not forsake me; You will never leave my side.

Even when I am carried off by powers outside of my control,

You pursue me.
Nothing in all of creation can separate me from Your presence.

In Your presence there is perfect love.  In perfect love there is no fear.
Even when I cannot understand,

I will trust You.
I will not fear for my life.
For You are where my life is found.  You are my true life.  It is hidden in You.
Even in death,
I would be found in You.
I seek the life that is truly life, and I find it in You.
Nothing in all creation can separate me from Your presence, from life.

 

Your instruction and Your discipline are a comfort for me. 

It is through them that I become a true child; You discipline the one You love.
In Your fiery consuming presence I am refined like much pure gold.
I bow before You, humbled in Your presence.
Your statutes are upright, and I meditate on them unceasingly.

"Make my mind more like Yours!" I cry out.
My bones ache to be like my Saviour.
I walk Your paths day in and day out hoping, longing, to be reformed in Your image.
Like clay, I am ecstatic to be made a vessel for Your use.  I pray, "Mold me on Your potter's wheel."
You fashion me; though at times I resist, You are patient.
You add slick and form and perfect Your creation.
I look forward to the day that I will be fired to perfection without crack or blemish.
I rejoice with each movement that brings me closer to Your heart.

 

I am assailed daily by the powers of the air.
Corruption is jealous for my bones.
Decay pulls at my garments.
Rot mocks me.

Anguish pierces my soul.

Sin spits upon my face.
Satan topples boulders in attempt to crush me.

Yet, Your presence silences them. 

They dissipate quickly like mists in the presence of the sun.
They flee in terror.

Even the memory of their abuse is dulled and altogether eradicated

in the presence of You, my Father of lights.

 

Emmanuel, You fill Your servant with good things.
A table stretches so far that I am overwhelmed.  To taste of all the good things upon it would take

an eternity.

You make me worthy to approach it.
You heal the wounds sustained by the enemies and wrap your crystal robe around me.
My shame is covered at Your Word, and I tremble with awe, reverence, and joy.
You recline with me at the table.
You teach me, and I listen intently.
I could sit at Your feet eternally. 

My soul rejoices. It has found its purpose.
To do Your will and serve You, to be in Your presence, these are my greatest desires.

 

You pour a cup for me; Your living water bubbles over the rim. 

I laugh as I attempt to drink from the overflow.  The excess bathes me, and my joy is multiplied.
I run to others nearby and bid them to taste, drink, and see that my Lord is so good.

I giddily take their hands and bring them to the table.

They, too, are in awe when they meet You.  They fall on their faces,

but You lift us all to look upon Your face.

Your eyes are more compassionate than my thoughts had afore ever fathomed.

You cup my face in Your nail-scarred hands, smile, and say, "Well done, my daughter."
This is Paradise, Your presence.

 

 

 

[Jesus, let me remain here and never leave. 

You have promised that I will remain here for eternity, and words cannot even express my thoughts and feelings.  It is more than joy. You are my King, and I will worship You in Your holy temple forever and ever and unto ages upon ages Amen.]

Shells

[this is one of those posts that came from me just needing to self-express.  i had no particular intent when i began writing it. i had no point, but i think i found one along the way.  or maybe i didn't, and it's all gibberish...anyway, here ya go...my thoughts from the week...]


I have this picture in my head of the "Cat in the Hat" when Cat decides he is going to balance everything on all four paws, his head, and his tail, all while standing on a ball.  That's what the end of every semester feels like to me.  This one in particular feels that way.  I feel like the cat if the cat had a huge industrial fan blowing in his face.  My semester is stacked with everything towards the end.  
The wedding is approaching, and as a non-planner, that's a huge stressor in itself.
There is a whole host of things that have decided to go topsy-turvy as well (my car and my taxes being two of those things).

On top of all that, I have had to defend my faith and my beliefs in ways I haven't had to before three times in the past week.
I used to think I was good at arguing.  Maybe I was just really arrogant, or maybe I grew out of it.  One thing I do know is that I hate arguing.  It's so much effort, and most of the time it doesn't accomplish much.  People don't usually change their minds no matter how much scripture or proof you show them.  People don't change their minds no matter how good of a point you make.  We are all too attached to our pride.  We are all too attached to our upbringing.  We are all too attached to the shell built around us that we use to identify "me" as "me."  If you take some of these beliefs we have away, you take away part of that shell.  If you take away too much of that shell, it becomes marred to the point that it is no longer recognizable.  
Do we even know who we are?  Do we know who we are under our shells?

Let me tell you, life is not gentle.  
I have always liked the metaphor of life as an ocean journey.  (This is mostly attributed to my love of the beach but anyway.....)  The thing about an ocean journey is that the ocean is volatile.  This ocean will damage your shell.  It will break off pieces; it will smooth the rough parts and erode the smooth parts.
That's why I believe it is so important to know yourself under your shell.
You have beliefs and convictions? That is so good. You should. I just think it is important to understand why you have them.
I have had to ask myself recently....
"Caitlyn, can you give an answer to people when they question you about the hope you have?"
I can, and I have.  I have, and I am thankful that Jesus continues to give me evidence and experiences each day that further that hope.

Here is some scripture that gave me hope this past week: Hebrews 12

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴ In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”^[a]

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

¹² Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³ “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

¹⁴ Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.¹⁵ See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ¹⁶ See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. ¹⁷ Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.

¹⁸ You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; ¹⁹ to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, ²⁰ because they could not bear what was commanded: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned to death.” ²¹ The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, “I am trembling with fear.”
²² But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, ²³ to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴ to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
²⁵ See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warnedthem on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? ²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”  ²⁷ The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our “God is a consuming fire.”

Complete

We lack nothing! Not only materially but also in every way. We are totally complete and fulfilled in the presence of YHWH. Like clay on broken pots He fills our cracks and smooths our jagged edges. We are perfect and redeemed in His sight because of Christ. We lack nothing spiritually. We lack nothing in the ministries He has called us to. We lack nothing in our looks. We lack nothing in our stage in life. We have God dwelling within us, and we are complete! He calls us to rest in Him and rejoice with Him. We are His eternally!

caffeine

Here I am, in the library, taking a break from reading some very dry art history.
Blogging is more fun, and I don't fall asleep while doing it.

It's the liturgical season of Lent.
It is my church's and my family's custom to give up something. 
We don't give it up for merely the sake of giving it up or to look religious and pious.  It's a reminder of all that God gave up to become human, suffer, and conquer death so that we could be free. 
Obviously, anything I give up is less than a grain of sand in comparison, but it is still a good reminder.

This Lent I gave up coffee.
I joke about my addiction to it a lot. It started as a "I need to stay awake and finish this paper!" type-deal, but I don't really drink it to stay awake anymore.  Although that is sometimes a side-effect, I really drink it because I enjoy it a lot. 
The first two weeks were plagued with incessant and persistent caffeine headaches; I drank a couple cups every 3 days when I just couldn't focus because my head hurt so badly. (Yes, I tried ibuprofen, and it didn't help.)

I am finally headache free.  The physiological addiction seems to have lost its hold.  However, now I have found a stronger and more latent addiction.  I have an emotional addiction to coffee.

Yesterday, as I was walking through the misty and chilly rain to my car, I was looking ahead to the week. I became overwhelmed by stress.  (I'll spare you the details.  Basically, it's insanely busy, and I only have one day where I do not have anything planned.) 
Instantly, a coffee craving hit.  It was one of those where you aren't satisfied by any food or drink until you get what you crave.  I thought about how much I would love a creamy cinnamon dolce latte from Starbucks or some of Just Love's fresh roasted coffee.
It was then that I realized I find a lot of comfort in coffee.


Okay, you're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Why am I reading your ramblings?"
 My comfort should be found first and foremost in God!I realized while walking to my car yesterday that one of the places I had been naturally moving to for comfort was not the feet of Jesus but the coffee house/ coffee maker.

[Disclaimer: Coffee is in no way evil or wrong, and I think that a lot of awesome things go on in coffee houses.  I think the sacred invades the secular. (That's another blog post I am working on....)]

Anyway,
I would have never told you pre-Lent that I needed coffee to feel secure and calm and stress-free.

This may seem super trivial.  Admittedly, from a worldly standpoint it is.  People self-medicate with things way worse than coffee.  However, I am not called to look at things from a worldly vantage point. 

Anything that takes the place of God in my life is an idol for me.  Coffee is truly not the problem here.  The problem is that I am relying on transient things to bring me transient comfort.  I am accepting the rags of the temporary when I have already been given robes of the eternal. 
God is my eternal, unending, and unshakeable comfort. 
If I am willing to sing that God is my "all-in-all" and that "all I need is God," then I need to be willing to live that out.  I echo Paul in saying that I will not be mastered by anything.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

-2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Entropy vs. Embodiment

Rules never saved anyone.

The Bible says, "what the law was powerless to do..."

The law merely pointed out our desperate and obvious and glaring need for God.

Like flowers ripped from the life-giving earth, thrown in water that can never sustain, and destined to crumble into ash, we are destined to return to dust.

Our very nature is entropic; it becomes more and more chaotic and disorganized.  

We are the antithesis of our Father; God is not a God of chaos.

He set the universe spinning with His words.

He set up the process of cellular respiration, nuero-muscular junctions, star-death, and made "dark-matter" (whatever that is; we don't even know).

He made the elements of the world; He gave them unique properties so that they would all react with each other in certain ways.

So many mechanisms in our body work "just-so" so we don't die.

Everyone around you: 

"weird," "normal," gay, straight, bisexual, homophobic, conservative, liberal, protestant, catholic, orthodox, atheist, agnostic, buddhist, hindu, muslim, republican, democrat, rebel, goody-goody, introvert, extrovert, independent, frat-boy, sorority-girl, artist, rockstar, popstar, pornstar, student, teacher, pastor, preacher, priest, disabled, homeless, addict, stay-at-home mom, business professional, yuppy, hippie, scientist, writer, actor, sports-fanatic, athlete, traveler, red & yellow, black & white

Every. Single. Person. was designed by God for His glory.

He looks at every person, and He loves them radically.

He humbled Himself, became human, died an agonizing death on a roman torture device,

AND HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

He defeated death so that our nature could be totally redeemed; He defeated death so our souls could return to their original state, eternal.

Why do we get stuck in rules?

Yes, rules are relevant; they are guides to a closer walk with Christ.

However, if we start preaching rules and guilt and "why weren't you at my church on Sunday?" then are we even preaching the gospel of Christ? or are we preaching the gospel or moralism?

If our religion begins to become legalism, are we walking in love?

If we first look at a person as gay, are we walking in love?

If we first look at a person as an atheist, are we walking in love?

Unless we look at people first and foremost as image-bearers of God, as brothers and sisters whom God loves radically, then we will not be able to love them the way we should.

Unless we realize that God loves us radically and encounter that love daily, we will be unable to love as we should.

Yes, Christians are called to lead a life worthy of Christ's calling, but do any of us Ever actually succeed in doing that daily?

No.

If you answered yes, then I am sorry, but you are seriously deluded.

We all are desperately in need of God's grace.

Shouldn't that make us more empathetic and less judgmental of those we come in contact with?

The love of Christ should supersede every natural inclination and opinion we have.

Loving, truly loving, is so hard. 

I struggle with it daily.  However, it is So important.

The essence of our Father is love, and I pray that I, and each of us, can be more of an embodiment of His love each day.

1 Corinthians 13

 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.