caffeine

Here I am, in the library, taking a break from reading some very dry art history.
Blogging is more fun, and I don't fall asleep while doing it.

It's the liturgical season of Lent.
It is my church's and my family's custom to give up something. 
We don't give it up for merely the sake of giving it up or to look religious and pious.  It's a reminder of all that God gave up to become human, suffer, and conquer death so that we could be free. 
Obviously, anything I give up is less than a grain of sand in comparison, but it is still a good reminder.

This Lent I gave up coffee.
I joke about my addiction to it a lot. It started as a "I need to stay awake and finish this paper!" type-deal, but I don't really drink it to stay awake anymore.  Although that is sometimes a side-effect, I really drink it because I enjoy it a lot. 
The first two weeks were plagued with incessant and persistent caffeine headaches; I drank a couple cups every 3 days when I just couldn't focus because my head hurt so badly. (Yes, I tried ibuprofen, and it didn't help.)

I am finally headache free.  The physiological addiction seems to have lost its hold.  However, now I have found a stronger and more latent addiction.  I have an emotional addiction to coffee.

Yesterday, as I was walking through the misty and chilly rain to my car, I was looking ahead to the week. I became overwhelmed by stress.  (I'll spare you the details.  Basically, it's insanely busy, and I only have one day where I do not have anything planned.) 
Instantly, a coffee craving hit.  It was one of those where you aren't satisfied by any food or drink until you get what you crave.  I thought about how much I would love a creamy cinnamon dolce latte from Starbucks or some of Just Love's fresh roasted coffee.
It was then that I realized I find a lot of comfort in coffee.


Okay, you're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Why am I reading your ramblings?"
 My comfort should be found first and foremost in God!I realized while walking to my car yesterday that one of the places I had been naturally moving to for comfort was not the feet of Jesus but the coffee house/ coffee maker.

[Disclaimer: Coffee is in no way evil or wrong, and I think that a lot of awesome things go on in coffee houses.  I think the sacred invades the secular. (That's another blog post I am working on....)]

Anyway,
I would have never told you pre-Lent that I needed coffee to feel secure and calm and stress-free.

This may seem super trivial.  Admittedly, from a worldly standpoint it is.  People self-medicate with things way worse than coffee.  However, I am not called to look at things from a worldly vantage point. 

Anything that takes the place of God in my life is an idol for me.  Coffee is truly not the problem here.  The problem is that I am relying on transient things to bring me transient comfort.  I am accepting the rags of the temporary when I have already been given robes of the eternal. 
God is my eternal, unending, and unshakeable comfort. 
If I am willing to sing that God is my "all-in-all" and that "all I need is God," then I need to be willing to live that out.  I echo Paul in saying that I will not be mastered by anything.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

-2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Entropy vs. Embodiment

Rules never saved anyone.

The Bible says, "what the law was powerless to do..."

The law merely pointed out our desperate and obvious and glaring need for God.

Like flowers ripped from the life-giving earth, thrown in water that can never sustain, and destined to crumble into ash, we are destined to return to dust.

Our very nature is entropic; it becomes more and more chaotic and disorganized.  

We are the antithesis of our Father; God is not a God of chaos.

He set the universe spinning with His words.

He set up the process of cellular respiration, nuero-muscular junctions, star-death, and made "dark-matter" (whatever that is; we don't even know).

He made the elements of the world; He gave them unique properties so that they would all react with each other in certain ways.

So many mechanisms in our body work "just-so" so we don't die.

Everyone around you: 

"weird," "normal," gay, straight, bisexual, homophobic, conservative, liberal, protestant, catholic, orthodox, atheist, agnostic, buddhist, hindu, muslim, republican, democrat, rebel, goody-goody, introvert, extrovert, independent, frat-boy, sorority-girl, artist, rockstar, popstar, pornstar, student, teacher, pastor, preacher, priest, disabled, homeless, addict, stay-at-home mom, business professional, yuppy, hippie, scientist, writer, actor, sports-fanatic, athlete, traveler, red & yellow, black & white

Every. Single. Person. was designed by God for His glory.

He looks at every person, and He loves them radically.

He humbled Himself, became human, died an agonizing death on a roman torture device,

AND HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

He defeated death so that our nature could be totally redeemed; He defeated death so our souls could return to their original state, eternal.

Why do we get stuck in rules?

Yes, rules are relevant; they are guides to a closer walk with Christ.

However, if we start preaching rules and guilt and "why weren't you at my church on Sunday?" then are we even preaching the gospel of Christ? or are we preaching the gospel or moralism?

If our religion begins to become legalism, are we walking in love?

If we first look at a person as gay, are we walking in love?

If we first look at a person as an atheist, are we walking in love?

Unless we look at people first and foremost as image-bearers of God, as brothers and sisters whom God loves radically, then we will not be able to love them the way we should.

Unless we realize that God loves us radically and encounter that love daily, we will be unable to love as we should.

Yes, Christians are called to lead a life worthy of Christ's calling, but do any of us Ever actually succeed in doing that daily?

No.

If you answered yes, then I am sorry, but you are seriously deluded.

We all are desperately in need of God's grace.

Shouldn't that make us more empathetic and less judgmental of those we come in contact with?

The love of Christ should supersede every natural inclination and opinion we have.

Loving, truly loving, is so hard. 

I struggle with it daily.  However, it is So important.

The essence of our Father is love, and I pray that I, and each of us, can be more of an embodiment of His love each day.

1 Corinthians 13

 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

dry spots & living water

So, let me begin by saying.....ugh... I have been having a hard time lately.
That wasn't fun to say.
Maybe you're different, but sometimes, I do Not like admitting that I am struggling.

People will ask how I am doing, and 90% of the time I will respond, "Doing Great!"
And I really am; I have come to know a constant joy that transcends my situation.  I can be thankful and rejoice in every situation.  I don't say this out of some Christian obligation that demands I repeat Paul; I'm totally serious.  Jesus is always with me; sometimes I feel His presence, but all the time I know His presence is with me.  That's where this weird and illogical joy comes from.

It's also possible that, although I am internally joyful, a part of me is torn and upset as well.  For a few weeks I started to believe lies of the enemy.  They seeped into my psyche in insidious ways. I started to believe that my friends didn't care to pursue our friendship; I believed that I wasn't worth it to them.  I believed that it was my fault.  I had become so busy that I managed to block others out. I had been struggling with frustration; I would be so quick to become angry.  After each episode of anger had subsided, the words of James would echo, "...human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:20)  I would feel so convicted and helpless; I would cry out to God, "Fix me!!!"  

Did I want to talk to anyone about this?
Definitely not.
I believe it's something called pride, and guess what, it's sinful.
I like to think I can handle things; I don't want to expose my weakness.
However, even if I don't want to expose it, it demands to be seen.
It usually manifests in the form of me lashing out at the ones I care about most. (cause of course they will love me, hopefully, anyway after I recover from my bad attitude.)  It also manifests in me beating myself up and telling myself how mediocre I am.
None of this is of Christ.

Anyway, I say all this to say that I prayed Friday night a prayer that went something like this, "I need the lies I'm believing to shattered, and I really have no idea what I am doing.  I feel lost. Help me God!"

The next day I received a text that was a friend reaching out and lifting me up.  The Holy Spirit had moved this friend.  I was so amazed.
Again, Sunday, another friend reminded me of my value
Again, I was so amazed.

It revealed yet another thing that I had accepted.  I love God so much that I oftentimes spend all my energy trying to let others know about His love for them.  I want to serve Him in every way I can.  These desires are not wrong, but I was striving.

In the midst of my busyness I had forgotten to receive my Father's love for me.  I forgot that God wants me to know His love more, just as much as He wants anyone else to know His love.  I forgot that to show His love I must first receive it.  I have to do that daily, too.
What good is a cup to a thirsty person if that cup is dry?
I was so dry; I was cracking!

I am so thankful that His love is so refreshing, and that it never gives up on me.  I am so thankful that God gives me one day at a time.  I am so thankful that each day all I have to do is ask and know that He is filling me, His lowly vessel!
I have only begun to scratch the surface of how great, wide, high, deep, and long His love is for each person.

I encourage you to join me as we learn to receive His love more perfectly each day. 
He wants to fill us!   It's why we were created, friends.  Let it be natural; commune with The Father.  He is so amazingly beyond-words good!

"We love because He FIRST loved us."  -1 John 4:19

A Homemade Psalm

My sins are great and testify against me, Oh my Lord.
To be in Your presence should be my ruin;
Your glory is too magnificent for my frame to bear.
My sin cripples me, and all that I have is like soiled rags before You.
My life is not an aroma but a stench.
My iniquity is astounding to me, that I know Your glory, and yet, daily, I wander.
My lips, hands, and heart are devoid of purity, and I place the blame nowhere but myself.

BUT

There is a cry that shakes the cosmos,
It is the blood of the lamb slain at the altar before the turning of time.
And His resurrection transforms my chains of transgression to pearls of righteousness.
My Saviour comes as a consuming fire redeeming all things and those that call out His name in faith.
He searches the expansive and expanding universe for my eyes,
And when He finds me, He pulls me close.
With water from the fount of crystal He cleanses me.
With coals of righteousness He purifies my lips.
I am limp from the wreckage of my selfishness, but He fortifies my bones with truth.
With a flame of love He melts the ice from my heart, and He injects my veins with enduring compassion.
With a salve of peace He restores and renews my cracked and calloused hands.
Songs of His praise fill my lungs, and as I cough the ash from them, my joy rings through the silence.
For His glory and renown He lifts me yet again from the pit.
Nothing can ever separate me from His passionate love.

My God My God
You are more to me than life!
Hallelujah to the Lord of Lords!!

Daddy's Love

This video was made by my brother Trevor Ball, and the testimony is my sister Laura Beth Harbin.
This lifted my  heart. It's so beautiful; there is SO much truth here. Just encounter Jesus.  He is so BEYOND WORDS!!

Stream of Consciousness*

* A.K.A. I had to be awake before the sun was up, which is very unusual for me, and apparently my thoughts are numerous at this hour.

The morning mist has always fascinated me.  It looks like gauze, merely translucent, something you should be able to see right through, but you cannot.
Also, in the mist, you can only see what is immediately around you.  I believe this limitation is why we so often attribute fear to the fog/mist.  Being limited or not being able to comprehend/visualize all that we would like to is scary, petrifying even.  "Control-freak" or not, we all like some control.

Although everyone seems to comment on the "creepiness" of a foggy night or misty morning, I find it quite beautiful.  It's somewhat daunting, but it is beautiful nonetheless.  It is as if even nature begs us to be right where we are; it prevents from straining on to see what lies ahead.
It's mysterious.
It's as if some secret drama was being played out as we slept, and we are just catching the end of it.  The thick curtain that forces us to slow down is giving way to the hubbub of the day as it dissolves peacefully in the emerging sunlight.

The rising sun adds color to the dull mist, and for about thirty minutes, I just want to sit and meditate on the ridiculous beauty that permeates everything around us and within us.  I want to take time to paint the situation with words to recreate even a mere shadow of it.  Beauty is compelling.  It is so compelling in fact, that it is hard, for me at least, to hold evidence of something beautiful in.

The beauty of the cross is something I feel we too often hold in.  We hold it in until it's convenient, acceptable, comfortable to share.
Isn't that the most beautiful thing we know?
It is a story of cosmic, physiological, psychological, historical, and spiritual significance, and yet, too often, we hold back our zeal to speak of it.
I, too, am guilty of this silence; I am a wayward Israelite.  I have seen water gush forth from barren rocks and later been numbed to such miracles by time.

Time is a double-edged sword.  Not only does it take away the sting of pain, but it can also dull the ecstasy of our joy if we allow it.  I proclaim that we should allow it no more.  We need to cling to Christ, the source of our joy, as if our lives depended on it.  I tell you truly, our lives do depend on it.
Cling to Christ until your spiritual knuckles whiten.  We are promised that when we grow weak, He will be strong.  He will reenforce your weakened grip with His strong grip that has pulled you from the pit and out of the jaws of death.  As we waver and sink into the waves, He will lift us into His embrace and His eternal salvation.

Time, that thing that can cause us to rejoice or waver, is much like water, like the ocean.  It wears away at every thing.  It's continual lapping, each day like a wave, not only serves to heal up wounds, but also serves to erode away the good and bad.  Eventually time will have washed against you enough times to pull you to a place where time itself is irrelevant.  Time is like an ocean that we must pass through in order to climb out onto a new shore.  It is a long baptism; we enter the realm of time one way, but we exit it entirely changed.

On this new shore we will climb the beaches of the ethereal shore, perhaps even clumsily.  Our Saviour, who has awaited us, will breathe on us and push the clumsiness from our very beings.   He give us more than we could ever imagine, His complete presence.
We will not be separated in any way at all.  His presence is of insurmountable importance; it is what we have desired since Eden.
We will finally be fed after gnawing on dust for centuries.  We will finally feel healing after slapping on salve for eons.  We will see clearly after looking upon reflections for decades.  We will remember our caves no more and stretch our once tired limbs.  Relief and resting rife with rejoicing will flood us from every direction.  Every cell and fibre will be redeemed [if there even is such a thing as a cell at that point...].

Looking upon us will not be a wrathful, disappointed, angry father, but Abba.
Abba, the one who has planned such a day from the beginning.  He will look on His prodigal children returned to Him at last after a long time apart.  Laughter will shake the air, and the cosmos will tremble with delight for the bride has finally known her betrothed after a long engagement.  The final veil will be shredded, all mists will lift, and perfection will be realized.
We will dwell and join in the work of the Lord's house forever.
This will all be for His glory alone.
Amen, Amen, Amen
Praise the Lord, oh my soul