That wasn't fun to say.
Maybe you're different, but sometimes, I do Not like admitting that I am struggling.
People will ask how I am doing, and 90% of the time I will respond, "Doing Great!"
And I really am; I have come to know a constant joy that transcends my situation. I can be thankful and rejoice in every situation. I don't say this out of some Christian obligation that demands I repeat Paul; I'm totally serious. Jesus is always with me; sometimes I feel His presence, but all the time I know His presence is with me. That's where this weird and illogical joy comes from.
It's also possible that, although I am internally joyful, a part of me is torn and upset as well. For a few weeks I started to believe lies of the enemy. They seeped into my psyche in insidious ways. I started to believe that my friends didn't care to pursue our friendship; I believed that I wasn't worth it to them. I believed that it was my fault. I had become so busy that I managed to block others out. I had been struggling with frustration; I would be so quick to become angry. After each episode of anger had subsided, the words of James would echo, "...human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." (James 1:20) I would feel so convicted and helpless; I would cry out to God, "Fix me!!!"
Did I want to talk to anyone about this?
Definitely not.
I believe it's something called pride, and guess what, it's sinful.
I like to think I can handle things; I don't want to expose my weakness.
However, even if I don't want to expose it, it demands to be seen.
It usually manifests in the form of me lashing out at the ones I care about most. (cause of course they will love me, hopefully, anyway after I recover from my bad attitude.) It also manifests in me beating myself up and telling myself how mediocre I am.
None of this is of Christ.
Anyway, I say all this to say that I prayed Friday night a prayer that went something like this, "I need the lies I'm believing to shattered, and I really have no idea what I am doing. I feel lost. Help me God!"
The next day I received a text that was a friend reaching out and lifting me up. The Holy Spirit had moved this friend. I was so amazed.
Again, Sunday, another friend reminded me of my value
Again, I was so amazed.
It revealed yet another thing that I had accepted. I love God so much that I oftentimes spend all my energy trying to let others know about His love for them. I want to serve Him in every way I can. These desires are not wrong, but I was striving.
In the midst of my busyness I had forgotten to receive my Father's love for me. I forgot that God wants me to know His love more, just as much as He wants anyone else to know His love. I forgot that to show His love I must first receive it. I have to do that daily, too.
What good is a cup to a thirsty person if that cup is dry?
I was so dry; I was cracking!
I am so thankful that His love is so refreshing, and that it never gives up on me. I am so thankful that God gives me one day at a time. I am so thankful that each day all I have to do is ask and know that He is filling me, His lowly vessel!
I have only begun to scratch the surface of how great, wide, high, deep, and long His love is for each person.
I encourage you to join me as we learn to receive His love more perfectly each day.
He wants to fill us! It's why we were created, friends. Let it be natural; commune with The Father. He is so amazingly beyond-words good!
"We love because He FIRST loved us." -1 John 4:19
