ch-ch-ch-changing

hola,
I have moved.......
to wordpress!

I decided it is more aesthetically appealing and provides more options for formatting....

please follow my new blog "hallelujah" at
 http://caitlynbrynneparris.wordpress.com

muchas gracias...

peace,
Caitlyn

the wanting

I have all these "hungers": desires, longings, wishes.  They well up inside me.  When I am attentive to them, they fill me til I think I might burst. 

I hunger physically.  This is the most basic hunger.

I read because I have an insatiable desire to know the thoughts of others.  I want to connect. I want to see what beauty comes from their minds. 

I also read because I want to understand.  I crave knowledge; I am endlessly curious.

I long for delights: to laugh with friends and family, to discuss what is near to our hearts, to create memories.

I long to write.  I long to spill out my thoughts, test them, hold them to the light, unwravel them, and understand myself.

I wish to travel: to see that which I have not seen before, to marvel at the sights that overwhelm me even in their picture form.

Yet, in all these things, there is a common thread.  My God is interwoven into all of it, and all of it is encompassed within His being.

He gave me a material body with which I hunger.  

He gave the talent of writing to many; this allows them to share their imaginings.  He gave us imagination.

He gives us knowledge and allows us to peek at all the intracacies He has created.

He knit me together, fashioned my personality, talents, and desires.  He understands me and knows all my thoughts.

He created the world; He created the sights that astound us.

In these material things I will always need more.  My stomach will utilize its contents relatively soon after I eat.  I will finish a book and want for a new one.  I will learn concepts and move on to new or more in depth ones.  I will seek new experiences and to see those people I love again when I have  parted from them.  I will constantly develop new thoughts with which I will need to grapple.  I will never see the entire world, and so I will always want to see new places.

Perhaps this needing of "more" is innate within each of us in varied ways.

He is more. He is all. He Is. 

So in the words of C.S. Lewis, "If I find in myself that which this world cannot satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

We were made for the new Heaven and the new Earth when we were remade.

All other hungers are subhungers; they point to the greatest hunger of all creation.

I hunger most of all for my God.  That is the greatest hunger.

a lost art?

So...Question: why is fasting not a thing anymore?
Is it because it's antiquated?
Is it because it makes us uncomfortable?
Is it because we weren't taught to fast growing up?
Is it because we don't know how?
Is it because it's not a priority?
Is it because we are afraid of thinking we are righteous and becoming puffed up in pride?
Is it because it's weird?

It is probably a number of things.  I read some of "The Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster about a year or more ago.  [It takes things a while to sink in for me.  It's a dense book, and I like to chew on stuff. I also got distracted with other books and kept having to come back to it.]  If we claim to follow Christ, we should follow His teachings, and if we claim to love God we should follow His commands.

("In fact, this is love for God: to keep His commands.  And His commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." 1 John 5: 3 & 4)

 But perhaps you say, "Jesus never commanded us to fast!" That would be correct.  To my knowledge, there is nowhere in scripture where Christ says, "You MUST fast!"  However, in Matthew, Jesus does say "when you fast."

("When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:16-19)

This passage is placed right after the passages on giving to the needy and praying.  We know how important both of those things are in regards to the ministry of Christ, and in result leading a Christian life.  A few chapters later in Matthew 9,  Jesus speaks to the Pharisees on fasting.

("Then John’s disciples came and asked him, 'How is it that we and the Pharisees fast often, but your disciples do not fast?'

Jesus answered, 'How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.'" Matthew 9: 14 & 15)

We are modern day disciples, and we are the church, the bride of Christ.  He is our bridegroom; though He is indeed with us in spirit, materially, we are separated for a time.  Now is the time for fasting as we long for His return and live actively loving others with the love He gives until the return of our sweet Savior.  

I pour out these examples not to condemn or scold the church and my fellow Christians, but I am just saying that maybe we have been missing an opportunity.  I have come to believe that fasting is as integral to a healthy faith as prayer, reading the Bible, worshipping, fellowshipping with other believers, loving justice and mercy, and helping those around us who are suffering.  Fasting can be from food, media, social interaction, video games, candy, or anything that we are tempted to think sustains us or that draws our attention away from God.

I believe that by depriving ourselves from something that "feeds" us for a time, we will stem the spiritual starvation that so frequently leaves our spiritual selves emaciated.

I am not claiming to say something new, but I was recently gently convicted of this.  I hope to engage in this ancient practice more often, and I hope that you will too. 

I am no pro, so I say do exactly what Jesus says.  Be private about your fast.  Ask The Lord how He wants you to fast, and I pray that you will be filled "with the knowledge of God's will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives." (Colossians 1:9)

awkwardness

This is the first of what I'm sure will be many "married" life posts.  Married life, as I had anticipated in quite an adventure.  It's fun; it's easier than dating in some ways and harder in others.

Anyway, apartment living is a new aspect of life for me.  I like it though.  It's cozy and has just what we need for this stage.  It is even better now that the smoke smell is gone.  However, dealing with multiple families around us is interesting.  A couple days ago we were witnesses of a domestic dispute.  A woman near us and her significant other really got into it.  There was a lot of yelling, and Ben and I were temporarily trapped in our apartment.  (Our's is the apartment right beside the stairs, which is where the dispute was going on, loudly.)  As annoying and awkward as that whole situation was, I felt compassion toward this woman.  The human part of me was 100% annoyed.  The compassion is solely from Christ.  I've often heard it said to be polite yet distant from your neighbors.  Common sense tells me to do that as well, and left to my own devices, it is exactly what I prefer to do.

BUT of course, The Holy Spirit will tug at you about stuff.  I feel the tug to move past simple polite smiles and courteous "How are you's?"  Those things are comfortable, and Jesus calls us to more. I'm convinced that every aspect of life is fertile ground for "mission work."  We like to put "mission work" into a nice neat category, and it is usually a category that doesn't infringe on our every day comings and goings. Therefore, I know that this apartment situation is not accidental. If I want to be a missionary in my career one day, I need to practice and be missional now. In the struggle I see around me how can I even begin to dare to hoard the hope I have found.

This is going to be awkward. I know it will be. Sometimes I think Jesus thrives on awkward.  I mean think how awkward He made the pharisees feel.  And He definitely made his disciples feel awkward...He washed their feet. That was so weird. It is so weird.  And He said walk the extra mile.  What do you even talk about for that long?!

It is time to take this step though, no matter how awkward it is.  It is time to take this bigger step because I believe in a Christ that is bigger than nice smiles and positive attitudes.  I believe in a Christ who destroys darkness, shatters chains of hopelessness, and stomps the ploys of the enemy.

yielding

from a tangle of thoughts,
writing yields order and focus

from a misshapen lump of clay,
sculpting yields shape and form

from a rigid block of wood or mass of stone,
carving yields movement and realization

from soundless air,
song yields resounding emotion

from a bland canvas,
painting yields enlivened color



from dust and ashes,
The Creator yielded life.





we are like our Father.  we must create. art in all forms is amazing to me because it makes concrete those things of the Spirit.  it is a projection of the things unseen, yet shared throughout humanity.  

fissures

At what point do our hearts break for the world?
Is it in an instant?
Is it a buildup?
Is this question like asking at what point grains of sand become a mound?
Does it happen after watching too many violent news reels?
Could it be the weight of the words from the radio bearing down and creating more and more fissures in the fortification surrounding our fragile hearts?
Is it all of these things at once?

My heart seems to have a habit of breaking and mending.
It is tender, but it is resilient.
It is interwoven with the threads of the life-giving Holy Spirit.
I listen to the news, and it hurts.
I listen to the news, and sometimes I cry.
I listen to the news, and sometimes I despair.
I listen to the news, but it always leads me to pray.
I cry out to my God for this world because there is no fixing it without my God.

I listen to the news because even though it hurts, I would rather be aware than be numb.
I would rather ache than be filled with bubble-gum happiness.
I would rather experience heartbreak over the conditions of the world and know that my joy and hope are not confined by those conditions.

I pray to my God; God is the source of my hope for a new day, a brighter future, peace, and love.
I know that prayer is more powerful than I may feel it to be. So, I do what I can, and I pray.

So as for "the news,"
I have to know. I have to be aware.
I am interlocked with those who are hurt and those doing the hurting.
Our flesh is the same substance, and our souls are the same mystery.
The same God hears all our suffering, and the same God cares.

departure

and so I left, as quietly as I came.  The immanency of my departure making every word weighted and the love I had to give urgently yearning to be poured out. I was a blip. I was a single puzzle piece from the 1,000 piece puzzle.  I was one voice within a choir.  I was one plane ticket out of thousands.  I was one girl from america there for one week. Insignificant but significant.  Humbled and overjoyed.  Made low and brought to the heights all at once.   Even so, at this point I was leaving behind more than luggage.  This second visit had caused my love for that place, La Romana, Dominican Republic to delve deeper into my very being, to carve itself upon the post and lentil of my heart. The connections I had made, lines I cast, the strings of my heart were now all pulled taught with distance.   The guarantee of seeing these people ever again absent. But it was beautiful, like a firework, short-lived, yes, but brilliant and memorable.  

At 2:30 am the plane lurched toward the runway, and I, inexplicably wide-awake, pressed my perpetually sweaty face to the oval window, which was not much larger.  The runway lights waved me away, and as we broke gravity the excitement that comes with the miracle of flying welled up inside me.  We slid into the air in that hollow aluminum tube, my mind whirring with the impossible physics of it all.  In not so many breaths I could see the street lights, car lights, motor-bike lights spread out beneath me.  I saw miles from my minuscule width of glass.  Where was I seeing?  Had I been there? Was Clara there? Was David there?  Was Estella there?  Was Emilio?  Louis?  Nadia?  Marie? 
How many lives were in my view but absent from my sight right now?
Surely, they were as numerous as the stars that I could see above.
It was as if the strip of darkness that separated the clusters of of stars and the land sprinkled with lights, imitation stars, served as a mirror. 

The two mysteries, the stars and the people, above and below, gazing, mirror-images, at one another.

The lives, miracles on the earth.  Each one burning with passion, the will to thrive, the courage to stand in the face of uncertainty, endurance under hardship, the brilliance of the human spirit.
These were reflected by the audacious stars that refused to be extinguished by the darkness about them.
For at each star's boundary of light, the darkness was forced to stop; it had to bow to the defiant star.

And when I see the sky, indeed, I am not ignorant of the presence of darkness, yet I choose to marvel at the vivid light of each star.

And so, perhaps these people where surrounded by what would be considered "dark" conditions.  Yet, while the conditions were evident to me, I had no choice but to be taken with and marvel at their joy, their passion, their free-flowing laughter, their sound, their shouts of praise, their love, their generosity, their God-given light.

*I, too, have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night, and I have chosen, indeed, to look joyfully at their light.

[*reference to Sarah Williams's poem, "The Old Astronomer"]

Steeped

Last week I took a kayak out from the shore of the panhandle of Florida onto the gulf of Mexico. When I had paddled out from the shore, I looked around.  About half a mile to my right and to my left it was raining hard.  I could see curtains of translucent gray connecting the dark gray waves to the sun sprinkled clouds.  I heard the thunder rumble.  [Perhaps I shouldn't have been in the water, but I obviously made it safely home, so we can just ignore this minor detail.]  The water around me had darkened to reflect the sky as if to conceal depths of secrets.  I could only see the surface and my wavering reflection looking back at me.  The waves jostled me in my small boat as the wind began to blow.  Soon it would storm where I was.  Yet, I sat contently in the momentary calm and surveyed the ocean.  The horizon was nothing but sky pouring into ocean.  The enormity of the sky and ocean swallowed me.  Here I was floating suspended between the air and the deep.  I was terrified and excited, feeling endless and feeling tiny.  I wanted to feel the comfort of the shore, yet I longed for adventure.  I was fascinated by the movement of the clouds and waves under the breath and command of the wind. I came to understand more deeply the balance of being in wonder at and fearing God in that moment.  

This moment got me thinking about how it is so amazing to me how the entirety of life is steeped in a spiritual reality.
This spiritual reality, in my mind, is the warm and healing broth of life that everything else is suspended in.  It permeates everything and holds everything.  It is the force of motion.  This is not something I woke up and realized one day; it is something that I seem to have slid in to.  I recognized bits and pieces over time, and each day I attempt to move closer to being able to recognize it in every breath.  I am not there yet.  Sitting here it is easy to recognize this beautiful transcendent fact, but as soon as someone is confrontational, leaves the toilet paper roll empty, leaves their 4 day old cereal on the table, hurts my feelings, or cuts me off in traffic, the spiritual aspect of life evaporates from my mind.  I try each day to cling to the reality that I am surrounded by human beings filled with sacred souls.  If I am in nature I am surrounded by creation made by The Spirit who breathes into each soul. Indeed, in every situation, I am wrapped in an ocean of my God; God's presence is unending.  Were it an ocean, I would be upon a raft; if I were to gaze about me, no where I would look would yield anything but more ocean.  It is humbling, terrifying, and awe-inspiring.  Yet, to compare God’s presence to an ocean isn’t sufficient. God’s presence would be the air too.  Yet, even that wouldn’t be enough, the fact that anything exists at all tremors with the presence of God. God is in all things, above all things, and all things have existence through God.  

Stars

The stars in the sky remind me of the knowledge I have of God. I see so many stars and have learned what I feel like is so much about God, yet, it is not even scratching the surface. The stars I see are nearly insignificant to the amount of stars that exist. I am thankful that I worship the God who is so far beyond me, yet Who cares so deeply for me. 

Mirror mirror

 I love how your teeth set

Asymmetrically

And I love the line on your nose 

I love how your hair is wavy and fair 

And I love how to tan your skin goes

In the sun

I can see

your eyes,and the wavering layers of blue

And I see, my dear,

There is no flaw in you.

Falling in love

I fall in love every day. 

I fall in love with the way kids endlessly scrape their knees because they play so recklessly.

I fall in love with the way kids scream as they play a game of tag. 

I fall in love with the way people have chocolate at the edges of their mouths when they have just enjoyed some cake.

 I fall in love with the way people have dirt under their fingernails because they have spent all day working with the earth.

I fall in love with the way people stutter because they are trying to figure out the best way to say what they are thinking.

I fall in love with they way people express themselves when they are passionate about something. 

I fall in love with the way people greet each other when they have been separated.

I fall in love with the way people are messy or neat because it's just how they are. 

I fall in love with people's idiosyncrasies.

I fall in love with the raw, the real, the unguarded moments in life.

I fall in love with the sacred moments that permeate our existence.

The human experience cannot be separated from a spiritual experience. Our lives are infused with sacred moments. 

Maybe you feel you're losing this fight

But

I've heard birds defiantly singing melodies in the midst of the night 

Dress up what we have to say in similes and metaphors cause it's easier and prettier that way. 

filled

there is a dangerous snare I fall into a lot.
if my suspicions are correct, a lot of people fall into it.
our thoughts like to venture there, and it's a pit that is hard to get out of.

it can be detrimental in two ways.

in one way it will serve to destroy our self-image, our self-esteem, and our self-worth.
in another way it may serve to boost the ego, swell our arrogance, and puff up our pride.
none of these things are conducive to becoming more like Christ.

this pit, this snare, it is called comparison.

it's almost instinctual; we size one another up unconsciously.
in all honesty, i tend to err more on the side of self-defeatist thinking.

here is the problem with that: i'm ignoring the image of God within me, which supersedes any and every flaw.

when i examine myself in the light of others, i examine myself as if by a dim and flickering candle.
it casts distortions and shadows on my being as the light moves back and forth; i can never see the full image. i am only shined upon from one direction, and the rest of me remains in darkness.

however, when i examine myself in the light of Christ, when i allow His radiance to consume and fill me, every imperfection is filled with His light.

His light could show that i am woefully inadequate.
His light could show that i am cracked.
His light could show that i am stained.
His light could show that i am tarnished.
His light could show that i am warped.

Yet

His light blinds anyone and everyone to my inadequacies.
His light fills my cracks.
His light washes my stains.
His light burns away the tarnished parts of me.
His light melts away the warping.

His light completes me, makes me new, makes me whole, and His light brings me endless joy, daily.

so next time we attempt to compare ourselves to others, let us remember who is within us. let us marvel at His goodness. let us fix our eyes on Jesus, and let all that threatens to ensnare us grow dim in His light.

"blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."

matthew 5:6

Let the redeemed of The Lord tell their story....

[title reference: psalm 107:2]

Wow, God has revealed so much joy and truth to me from scripture lately, particularly psalms 106 & 107.

I feel like sometimes God is quiet when I am reading God's word.  God teaches me to wait patiently and hungrily for understanding. 

I go for a long time, sometimes, without much revelation. I sometimes feel like I am oil and The Word is water. It just washes over me, and I don't absorb anything. I hold it at arm's length and don't know how to allow it to seep in. I want to, but there is something in me that resists. I have to find that thing and identify it. I have to remove it.

God is gracious and speaks regardless of my condition.
However, I am able to receive God's words more readily when I understand my own condition and when my conscience  is clear.
Sometimes the thing,
the wedge,
 the wall,
 the thistle,
 the thorn,
the veil,
is stress.
Sometimes it is pride.
Sometimes it is busyness.
 Sometimes it is apathy.
Sometimes it is anger.
Sometimes it is envy.
Sometimes it is discontentment.
Sometimes it is impatience.
Whatever it is, I try to search and pray until I discover it.

It is oftentimes that I have to become desperate before my wayward heart will let go of it.
 Part of me is relentlessly stubborn.  It is usually not even a conscious decision.
When I was younger, my problems were much more obvious.
But now, they are quieter and harder to find.
I pray like David and ask God to reveal any errant ways within me.
I use The Light to eradicate all my darkness.

It is such a learning process.  I have a lot of head knowledge, but the trick is getting this head knowledge to seep into my heart and every-day practices.

I should start every day desperate.
I should start every day humbled.
I should start every day starving,
I should start every day at the feet of Jesus, but I do not.

Today, by God's grace, I did.

Because I did, I felt everything at once.  Parked in my car,  with the rain pounding, I felt the presence of Holy Spirit pour out like an even heavier rain.  My soul was drenched and revitalized.  I was overwhelmed with joy to the point that I was laughing, and I also felt repentant to the point of tears.  I was humbled because I could feel Holy Spirit with every breath.  I was in a holy place.  I felt starvation because The Word had whet my appetite and reawakened my insatiable God-given hunger for The Word.  I felt full at the same time because I was getting the much-needed revelation and sustenance that I had deprived myself of for so long.

Jesus is always what I need.
Jesus is always more than enough.
Jesus is always my deepest desire. 

Then they cried to The Lord in their trouble, and God saved them from their distress.

God brought them out of darkness, utter darkness, and broke away their chains.

Let them give thanks to The Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for mankind, for He breaks down the bars of bronze and cuts through bars of iron....

He sent out His Word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.

[Psalm 107:13-16 & 20]

stop

sometimes life seems a lot like driving in the rain at night.

the pounding on the metal roof that dampens the sound of everything else,
[and the demands that seem so immediate and deafening]
the clammy hands from anticipation that every car off to the side will jump out in front of you,
[and the worries that seem so insistent and unpredictable]
the constant fogging and defogging of your windows,
[and the unclear future that you need to plan for right. now.]
the obscured lines from the water and glare of streetlights,
[and the boundaries that seem to have so much flux]
the distrust that your breaks and tires will actually keep you from hydroplaning,
[and the inability to trust yourself]
the desperation to just be able to stop moving.







these feelings are all so real, but to me, Christ is even more real.
He is my rest.
He is my steadfast and unmoving rock. He is constant in the changing weather. He is unchanging in my wavering moods.  He is everlasting and enduring in my dizzying inconsistency.

Intertwined

There is more to reality than what you are experiencing right now.

Each moment is 

pregnant with happening,

pregnant with possibility,

but lacking in promise for the next.

Each moment, we, the world, are united, yet, fragmented.
Islands and continents

Parts and a body

Grains and the sand

Waves and the ocean

Mechanisms and machine

Synapses and system

Words and the novel

Leaves, branches, and the tree

Breathe and meditate

Taste and see

Awaken each cell

Enliven each fiber

Energize each synapse

Soak within the vibrancy of  life.

The world is humming with the ecstasy of existence.

Dad's Hands

I have my Dad's hands.

He had brown hands. Calloused hands. 

Olive colored skin that darkened with just a little sun.

So do I.

My knuckles are creased like his were.

My fingernails are rounded like his were.

My hands can carve, paint, and create like his did.

He carved animals from wood.  He spread paint into pictures. He created shape with his pencils.

I carve sense from emotion. I spread thoughts from nonsense.  I create questions with words.

 

His hands built (a playhouse for me when I was five).

  His hands wrote (sermons in strangely beautiful handwriting).

His hands shook (when he didn't eat lunch or if he got nervous).

 His hands preached (sermons about scars and about shoes).

  His hands drove (a little too fast, and he got a few tickets).

  His hands waved (at me when he dropped me off at school).

  His hands pointed (out different types of trees, birds, and fossils).

His hands cooked (the best fried potatoes).

His hands wiped (away tears when he heard "You Raise Me Up").

His hands helped (everyone he could).

 

Now his hands are still.

But

His hands hold (his Creator's).

 

 

marbles

"you make beautiful things out of the dust."

all i have to offer God is dust.  im not much different from when i was a kid showing my mom the "marbles" i made from the red clay mud that we had in surplus around our house.

but i am doing it. i am giving God my dusty childlike creations.
i am trusting that He can do immeasurably more than i ever could.
i feel like i have nothing to offer, but i know that He has always given me more than enough.

trust is hard, but i am learning.

thank You, God, for Your grace and patience.

Contentment, Restoration, Protection, Provision, and Paradise: An Elaboration of Psalm 23

I have been in such a rut lately; I spread myself too thin. I am burnt out on school, and I procrastinate too much.  These issues combined with my impatience, short temper, worrisome and easily stressed temperament lead me to a place of feeling distant with God and very discontent with my life.  I have been so crabby and sensitive and weak lately.  I have experienced self-hate because I know in my mind that I should be able to just focus on God and not stress. However, it's difficult in practice.

None of these negative feelings have come from God.  He is the giver of good things, and I am rejoicing because He gave me such a good gift at work this morning.  Tuesday's shift is 5:45am-8am, but I have to wake up at 5 am.  It's the pits.  However, in the MTSU rec center, God was present.
He sat with me in my sleepy stupor and opened His word to me.  He gave me creative thoughts. 
It all started with psalm 23; this is perhaps the most well known psalm.  I intended to read many psalms this morning, but God kept me on this one.  Holy Spirit began to breath life into the pages of my Bible.  I cannot tell you how many times I have read this psalm, but The Word is so alive.  It is ceaselessly amazing to me.  I saw new things in this psalm this morning.  Because psalms are prayers, Holy Spirit took me into an hour long prayer with Him where I got to write.  I felt and feel so alive now.  When I woke up I was down and crabby, but despite this unseasonably cold weather, I am so joyful this morning.

I call this type of prayer Psalm expansion; there is probably some technical term for it, but I don't know what that is.  I just wanted to share what Holy Spirit showed me this morning.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

 

God, You are my Shepherd; I do not even know where to go without You as my guide. 

No where I could go would escape your presence.
Your very presence is more than enough for me.  In You, and You alone my God, do I find contentment. 

You are my portion, and Your being fills my cracks; You make me whole.
You lead me to sun-kissed pastures.  I lay in the green grass filled with joy.  You take my hand as a father takes the hand of his child, and You bring me to a babbling brook.  You delight to see me splash around in the heat of the day.  We laugh together as I play like a child.  I explore Your creation, and my heart is restored.
I was broken-hearted.  I was thirsty.  I was hungry.  I was lethargic.  I was down. 

But You, You my God and my Father, have filled Your child with good things.
I am revived.  I am complete.  I am refreshed.  I am content. I am energized. 

I am happy, and my whole being is joyful.

 

Even when clouds cover the sun,
Even when winter grips my bones and cracks my lungs,

Even when I am stripped of all wealth,

Even when stress chokes all my reason,

Even when I am blinded by anger,

Nothing in all of creation can separate me from Your presence.
Even when I am my own worst enemy,

Even when I take myself to the valley of the shadow of death,
You will not forsake me; You will never leave my side.

Even when I am carried off by powers outside of my control,

You pursue me.
Nothing in all of creation can separate me from Your presence.

In Your presence there is perfect love.  In perfect love there is no fear.
Even when I cannot understand,

I will trust You.
I will not fear for my life.
For You are where my life is found.  You are my true life.  It is hidden in You.
Even in death,
I would be found in You.
I seek the life that is truly life, and I find it in You.
Nothing in all creation can separate me from Your presence, from life.

 

Your instruction and Your discipline are a comfort for me. 

It is through them that I become a true child; You discipline the one You love.
In Your fiery consuming presence I am refined like much pure gold.
I bow before You, humbled in Your presence.
Your statutes are upright, and I meditate on them unceasingly.

"Make my mind more like Yours!" I cry out.
My bones ache to be like my Saviour.
I walk Your paths day in and day out hoping, longing, to be reformed in Your image.
Like clay, I am ecstatic to be made a vessel for Your use.  I pray, "Mold me on Your potter's wheel."
You fashion me; though at times I resist, You are patient.
You add slick and form and perfect Your creation.
I look forward to the day that I will be fired to perfection without crack or blemish.
I rejoice with each movement that brings me closer to Your heart.

 

I am assailed daily by the powers of the air.
Corruption is jealous for my bones.
Decay pulls at my garments.
Rot mocks me.

Anguish pierces my soul.

Sin spits upon my face.
Satan topples boulders in attempt to crush me.

Yet, Your presence silences them. 

They dissipate quickly like mists in the presence of the sun.
They flee in terror.

Even the memory of their abuse is dulled and altogether eradicated

in the presence of You, my Father of lights.

 

Emmanuel, You fill Your servant with good things.
A table stretches so far that I am overwhelmed.  To taste of all the good things upon it would take

an eternity.

You make me worthy to approach it.
You heal the wounds sustained by the enemies and wrap your crystal robe around me.
My shame is covered at Your Word, and I tremble with awe, reverence, and joy.
You recline with me at the table.
You teach me, and I listen intently.
I could sit at Your feet eternally. 

My soul rejoices. It has found its purpose.
To do Your will and serve You, to be in Your presence, these are my greatest desires.

 

You pour a cup for me; Your living water bubbles over the rim. 

I laugh as I attempt to drink from the overflow.  The excess bathes me, and my joy is multiplied.
I run to others nearby and bid them to taste, drink, and see that my Lord is so good.

I giddily take their hands and bring them to the table.

They, too, are in awe when they meet You.  They fall on their faces,

but You lift us all to look upon Your face.

Your eyes are more compassionate than my thoughts had afore ever fathomed.

You cup my face in Your nail-scarred hands, smile, and say, "Well done, my daughter."
This is Paradise, Your presence.

 

 

 

[Jesus, let me remain here and never leave. 

You have promised that I will remain here for eternity, and words cannot even express my thoughts and feelings.  It is more than joy. You are my King, and I will worship You in Your holy temple forever and ever and unto ages upon ages Amen.]

Shells

[this is one of those posts that came from me just needing to self-express.  i had no particular intent when i began writing it. i had no point, but i think i found one along the way.  or maybe i didn't, and it's all gibberish...anyway, here ya go...my thoughts from the week...]


I have this picture in my head of the "Cat in the Hat" when Cat decides he is going to balance everything on all four paws, his head, and his tail, all while standing on a ball.  That's what the end of every semester feels like to me.  This one in particular feels that way.  I feel like the cat if the cat had a huge industrial fan blowing in his face.  My semester is stacked with everything towards the end.  
The wedding is approaching, and as a non-planner, that's a huge stressor in itself.
There is a whole host of things that have decided to go topsy-turvy as well (my car and my taxes being two of those things).

On top of all that, I have had to defend my faith and my beliefs in ways I haven't had to before three times in the past week.
I used to think I was good at arguing.  Maybe I was just really arrogant, or maybe I grew out of it.  One thing I do know is that I hate arguing.  It's so much effort, and most of the time it doesn't accomplish much.  People don't usually change their minds no matter how much scripture or proof you show them.  People don't change their minds no matter how good of a point you make.  We are all too attached to our pride.  We are all too attached to our upbringing.  We are all too attached to the shell built around us that we use to identify "me" as "me."  If you take some of these beliefs we have away, you take away part of that shell.  If you take away too much of that shell, it becomes marred to the point that it is no longer recognizable.  
Do we even know who we are?  Do we know who we are under our shells?

Let me tell you, life is not gentle.  
I have always liked the metaphor of life as an ocean journey.  (This is mostly attributed to my love of the beach but anyway.....)  The thing about an ocean journey is that the ocean is volatile.  This ocean will damage your shell.  It will break off pieces; it will smooth the rough parts and erode the smooth parts.
That's why I believe it is so important to know yourself under your shell.
You have beliefs and convictions? That is so good. You should. I just think it is important to understand why you have them.
I have had to ask myself recently....
"Caitlyn, can you give an answer to people when they question you about the hope you have?"
I can, and I have.  I have, and I am thankful that Jesus continues to give me evidence and experiences each day that further that hope.

Here is some scripture that gave me hope this past week: Hebrews 12

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

⁴ In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”^[a]

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

¹² Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ¹³ “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

¹⁴ Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.¹⁵ See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ¹⁶ See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. ¹⁷ Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.

¹⁸ You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; ¹⁹ to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, ²⁰ because they could not bear what was commanded: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned to death.” ²¹ The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, “I am trembling with fear.”
²² But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, ²³ to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴ to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
²⁵ See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warnedthem on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? ²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”  ²⁷ The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our “God is a consuming fire.”

Complete

We lack nothing! Not only materially but also in every way. We are totally complete and fulfilled in the presence of YHWH. Like clay on broken pots He fills our cracks and smooths our jagged edges. We are perfect and redeemed in His sight because of Christ. We lack nothing spiritually. We lack nothing in the ministries He has called us to. We lack nothing in our looks. We lack nothing in our stage in life. We have God dwelling within us, and we are complete! He calls us to rest in Him and rejoice with Him. We are His eternally!

caffeine

Here I am, in the library, taking a break from reading some very dry art history.
Blogging is more fun, and I don't fall asleep while doing it.

It's the liturgical season of Lent.
It is my church's and my family's custom to give up something. 
We don't give it up for merely the sake of giving it up or to look religious and pious.  It's a reminder of all that God gave up to become human, suffer, and conquer death so that we could be free. 
Obviously, anything I give up is less than a grain of sand in comparison, but it is still a good reminder.

This Lent I gave up coffee.
I joke about my addiction to it a lot. It started as a "I need to stay awake and finish this paper!" type-deal, but I don't really drink it to stay awake anymore.  Although that is sometimes a side-effect, I really drink it because I enjoy it a lot. 
The first two weeks were plagued with incessant and persistent caffeine headaches; I drank a couple cups every 3 days when I just couldn't focus because my head hurt so badly. (Yes, I tried ibuprofen, and it didn't help.)

I am finally headache free.  The physiological addiction seems to have lost its hold.  However, now I have found a stronger and more latent addiction.  I have an emotional addiction to coffee.

Yesterday, as I was walking through the misty and chilly rain to my car, I was looking ahead to the week. I became overwhelmed by stress.  (I'll spare you the details.  Basically, it's insanely busy, and I only have one day where I do not have anything planned.) 
Instantly, a coffee craving hit.  It was one of those where you aren't satisfied by any food or drink until you get what you crave.  I thought about how much I would love a creamy cinnamon dolce latte from Starbucks or some of Just Love's fresh roasted coffee.
It was then that I realized I find a lot of comfort in coffee.


Okay, you're probably thinking "What's the big deal? Why am I reading your ramblings?"
 My comfort should be found first and foremost in God!I realized while walking to my car yesterday that one of the places I had been naturally moving to for comfort was not the feet of Jesus but the coffee house/ coffee maker.

[Disclaimer: Coffee is in no way evil or wrong, and I think that a lot of awesome things go on in coffee houses.  I think the sacred invades the secular. (That's another blog post I am working on....)]

Anyway,
I would have never told you pre-Lent that I needed coffee to feel secure and calm and stress-free.

This may seem super trivial.  Admittedly, from a worldly standpoint it is.  People self-medicate with things way worse than coffee.  However, I am not called to look at things from a worldly vantage point. 

Anything that takes the place of God in my life is an idol for me.  Coffee is truly not the problem here.  The problem is that I am relying on transient things to bring me transient comfort.  I am accepting the rags of the temporary when I have already been given robes of the eternal. 
God is my eternal, unending, and unshakeable comfort. 
If I am willing to sing that God is my "all-in-all" and that "all I need is God," then I need to be willing to live that out.  I echo Paul in saying that I will not be mastered by anything.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

-2 Corinthians 1:3-4